


Safe and Nice

by wow717



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Canon Gay Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Frottage, Gay, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Non-Canon Relationship, Non-Canonical Character Death, Oral Sex, Past Child Abuse, Romantic Soulmates, Sexual Content, Sexual Dysfunction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2019-10-21
Packaged: 2020-12-27 22:54:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21126593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wow717/pseuds/wow717
Summary: What if Eddie went to try to get Richie to stay instead of Ben? It could change everything. It could even reverse their fates.This is mostly a very sweet, romantic reddie story where (spoiler alert) Eddie lives. The main conflict is Eddie's inability to enjoy sex due to his mother's abuse, but Richie is a kind and patient boyfriend, willing to do anything to make his Eddie happy. Initially takes place after Eddie and Richie have gathered their tokens and gone back to the hotel, with minor changes that alter the rest of the movie's events. However, not much time is spent on the other Losers or the movie plot. This is primarily intended to be a romantic domestic reddie story exploring the what-ifs of what their love would look like if Richie had confessed and Eddie didn't die. Descriptions of sex are fairly tame and mild atm but might get more graphic later.





	1. I'm leaving

**Author's Note:**

> ***Primarily based on the It movies by Andy Muschietti but with minor book references, specifically in regard to nicknames/interactions not used in the movies. CW: minor mentions of childhood psychological abuse, adult sexual dysfunction related to said childhood abuse, internalized homophobia, mention of homophobic slurs, mention and description of panic attacks***

“Forget it, fuck this place, fuck the clown, I’m out of here,” Richie said storming up the stairs past Ben, Bev, and a monster-vomit-covered Eddie.

“What? Richie wait,” Bev protested.

“I’ll talk to him,” said Ben starting up the stairs, but was stopped suddenly by Eddie’s hand grabbing his arm.

“No, Ben, let me go.” Ben nodded, a little unsure considering moments ago Eddie was freaking out about his current disgusting state and headed for the shower; but there was a strange sense of resolve on Eddie’s face now, and Ben never really understood Richie that well anyway. 

“Go away,” Richie said firmly to the knock on his door.

“It’s me,” Eddie said softly.

“Oh,” Richie said suddenly looking panicked. He had expected Ben or Bev to come up here and harass him to stay but felt less prepared to rebut Eddie. Richie pulled his hands through his hair attempting to tame the wild mess of curls, and looked at himself in the mirror as he walked to the door. He took a deep breath before opening the door. “Look, Eds, I – “

“Can I come in?” Eddie interrupted, pushing his way in gently. Richie relented without protest. Eddie sat on the bed.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Richie blurted out, suddenly noticing the partially dried black goop that covered Eddie head to toe.

“I don’t want to talk about it” Eddie said quickly, his eyes wide. “What happened to you? Why are you leaving?”

“Well, I also really, and I cannot stress the word really enough here, do not want to talk about it. I just need to get the fuck out of this fucking town as quickly as humanly possible.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.”

“Ha ha, no,” Richie said resolutely.

Eddie scoffed, “What could possibly be as bad as getting vomited on by a disease filled leper? Richie, it went in my fucking mouth!”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Look, this is bad in a different way. I just, I can’t talk about it.”

“Not even with me?” Eddie’s voice broke slightly as he looked up at Richie with big brown eyes and a little pout. Richie felt a rush of heat as his heart broke in two.

“Wow you play dirty, Kaspbrack. Look, I can’t tell you the details, but suffice to say I was brutally reminded of what a fucking shithole this place really is and I honestly just don’t think it’s worth saving. You know? I mean, maybe that’s why this fucking clown thing picked Derry. Maybe this is Its’ hunting ground because it’s full of the worst fucking piece of shit people.”

“Even us?” Eddie said softly.

“What? No! I mean, obviously not you guys, just like, everybody else.”

“Richie we didn’t come back here for everybody else. We came back here because we made a promise to each other. You act like I don’t understand the kind of stuff you went through as a kid – I was there! I went through all of it too. At least you had decent parents. You think the bullies in this town were bad? Imagine having to go home to my mom. When I wasn’t getting my ass kicked by Bowers, I was getting poked and prodded in the ICU just so my mom could, I don’t know, feel special. We all had it rough, that’s why we’re friends. And that’s why we need to stay and see this through.”

Richie felt a rush of humiliation as he realized he’d started to tear up while Eddie was talking. He tried to hide his face and gave a simple, “Mm-hmm” in response as to not give away his current vulnerable state, but Eddie knew.

“Richie, are you crying?” Eddie said as he tried to put an arm around Richie.

“No, don’t touch me with your gross vomit arm,” Richie joked, pulling away and regaining his composure. “I’m fine – I just,” he paused, “this fucking clown, it _knows _things about me, things I’ve never told anyone. Things I’m not sure if I even really know about me. I think it makes me a liability. It knows how to get to me. I should just, take myself out of the equation, you all will be a lot safer.”

“But we won’t be, you know that’s true. It has to be all of us. If you leave, you’re putting us all in danger.”

Richie let out a grown of frustration, “Eddie, I just, I can’t, I can’t argue about this anymore, I can’t do this right now, I have to go.”

“Richie, what if you just tell me. If you tell me maybe I can help, or at least someone else will know so Pennywise won’t be able to use this thing against you anymore.”

Richie sat on the edge of his bed and buried his face in his hands. “This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening, this can’t be happening,” he quietly repeated to himself.

“Rich, you’re scaring me, did I break you or something?” Eddie said as he walked over, attempting again to pull Richie into a hug.

Richie jumped up at Eddie’s touch, “Look, you need to take a shower, you smell like death … then I’ll, I’ll tell you.”

Eddie squinted at Richie trying to decide if he was lying. “Okay, I’ll be right back.”


	2. Confession

After Eddie left, Richie paced around his room wringing his hands. ‘You can’t tell him,’ Richie thought to himself. ‘I mean, what would I even say? How could I – no, no, you definitely can’t tell him. But, maybe it will help. I mean fuck the clown, what does he even mean my “dirty little secret” he doesn’t know anything.’ But Richie didn’t believe the lies he had told himself anymore. Being confronted with it like that, how could he deny it? And it just so happens Eddie is the one who came to talk him into staying? Alone? Maybe this is the perfect time to come clean. Panic gripped Richie suddenly making him feel almost as if he were having a heart attack. His pulse raced and his chest tightened. Echoes of cruel kids calling him a faggot swirled in his mind along with images of tabloids mocking the now famous Richie Tozier. He felt so ashamed and weak. And what would Eds say? What if he got mad? What if Richie tells the truth and then everything is weird? This could destroy the group. What if Eddie thinks he’s a freak?

Just as Richie decided he would need to make a hasty escape out the window to avoid this conversation with Eddie, the door opened and Eddie walked in, freshly showered and in clean clothes, still rubbing his hair with a towel. “Damn it,” Richie said audibly.

“Hoping I’d take longer so you could sneak out? Yeah I figured. Come on, sit down,” Eddie said taking a seat on Richie’s bed and patting the spot beside it. Richie rolled his eyes and moaned, but did as he was told, sitting next to Eddie. Eddie suddenly noticed Richie was sweating and his hands were shaking. “Woah, buddy, what’s going on? Look whatever it is, I promise, it won’t leave this room, and you know me, I could never judge you about _anything,” _Eddie gently slid his arm around Richie’s shoulder pulling him in for a side hug. Richie’s entire body tensed at Eddie’s touch. He sat up rigidly, his eyes closed. Eddie let go, feeling like he might be making things worse. “Richie, I’m here for you, just, go ahead, whenever you’re ready, take your time.”

Richie sighed. He sat there next to Eddie, eyes closed, breathing deeply, trying to calm his nerves and work up the courage to say what he needed to say. After what felt like 10 minutes, Richie spoke, “I went to the arcade. I remembered this time, playing Street Fighter with this boy. We finished the game and there was this kind of moment, I don’t know maybe I imagined it or something, but I just felt like I really wanted to … keep hanging out. I didn’t do or say anything, you know, weird, I just asked if he wanted to play another round, my treat, I don’t know how he – or why he,” Richie trailed off, “anyway, Bowers walked in and the boy, I guess it was his cousin or something, said I was um, hitting on him and said this town was full of queers or something and Bowers called me a faggot and just started saying all this stuff, but that wasn’t the worst part, the worst part is that I just stood there. He mocked me in front of the whole arcade and I was just totally speechless. Normally, I would tell Bowers to fuck off or something, but I was totally frozen, I couldn’t move. I think it’s because,” Richie took in a deep breath, “I knew it was true. I don’t know how he knew but he was right.”

“Oh,” Eddie said awkwardly, his brow furrowed, trying to take in this development. “Oh,” he said again fully realizing the implication of what Richie just revealed, “so you’re – you uh, wow, but, huh, really?” Eddie stammered, falling over his words, before quickly correcting himself with, “I mean, that’s great! You know I love you no matter what, bud, I’m so glad you told me.”

This phrasing cut Richie deeply and he continued, “That’s not the whole thing I needed to tell you. There’s more if I’m really going to get rid of all my secrets.”

Eddie reached over and grabbed Richie’s hand and looked him in the eyes, “You can tell me anything buddy.”

‘Buddy,’ Richie thought to himself, sighing. Eddie seemed so freaked already, there was no way this next part was going to go down easy. At certain points, when they were kids, Richie thought, maybe Eddie could feel the same way, but seeing him shaken just now sunk Richie’s hopes of a happy outcome. ‘He’s going to think you’re a freak. He’s going to be completely weirded out. You’re going to ruin the friendship.’ Still, Richie knew this was the only way to take Pennywise’s power over him away. Taking a deep breath, Richie gripped Eddie’s hand tightly and looked straight down at the floor and said, “Eds I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too, bud.”

Richie rolled his eyes and looked Eddie in the face, “No, I’m saying I’m in love with you. I’m gay and I’m in love with you, that’s it, that’s my whole truth. Fuck.”

Eddie shook his head in disbelief, “Fuck you, man. Seriously? I’m such an idiot. I come in here expecting you to bare your soul and you’re just fucking with me? Why do I ever expect different from you?”

‘He thinks you’re joking,’ Richie thought, ‘just go with it, laugh it off and forget this nightmare ever happened.’ But as much as Richie wanted to, he just couldn’t. He couldn’t lie about this anymore. He kept eye contact with Eddie, “I’m not joking, Eds. I’ve loved you since we were kids. I forgot, but at the same time, I don’t think I ever really forgot. I’ve never loved anyone else.”

“Richie, come on, I mean, fine I believe you’re gay, fine, I know you’ve slept with women, but fine, I believe you, but, why me? Why on Earth would you be in love with me?”

“What? You’re Eddie Spaghetti! You’re my favorite person I’ve ever known. You make me laugh, you’re probably the only person who can really keep up with me. You’re cute – “ Richie paused to pinch Eddie’s cheek, “and you just get me in a way no one else ever has. I love how much you care about things and the way you always tried to take care of everybody. I love that cute thing you do with your hand when you’re mad. I love your big brown eyes – “ Richie trailed off. Eddie was staring deep into his eyes, almost mesmorized like he was staring into the dead lights. Richie leaned in slowly, giving Eddie every opportunity to pull away. Richie had come this far and felt empowered. He closed his eyes as his lips met Eddie’s. Richie felt his heart jump into his throat and his face flush with heat. This kiss was everything he’d ever wanted in his life. He wrapped his arms around Eddie and felt Eddie melt into his touch. ‘Finally,’ Richie thought, but then suddenly, Eddie stiffened and pulled away, pushing Richie off of him and leaping to his feet away from the bed.

“No – wait, what are you doing? What was I doing? We can’t do this. I’m not gay! I’m married. Fuck, Richie, what the fuck?”

“Eds – “

“Don’t, don’t call me that.”

“Fine, Eddie, calm down.”

“I can’t calm down, I’m married – “

“Yeah to somebody who looks exactly like your mother! Doesn’t that seem weird to you?”

“Oh, fuck you! You don’t get to judge me! You decide to dump the fact that you’re in love with me on me right before we’re going to get murdered by a fucking clown? And then you kissed me?”

“You kissed me back! Look, Eddie, I was fucking terrified to tell you any of this. I thought you were going to hate me and reject me but I’m not afraid of that anymore because when we kissed I felt something real. You’re lying if you say you didn’t feel it too.”

Eddie looked angry, afraid, and confused. All he could think to say as he stormed out of the room was, “Fuck you.”


	3. Broken

Eddie paced around his room. “What the fuck?” He thought to himself. He felt guilty that he’d yelled at Richie after he’d just told his big secret, but what else was he supposed to do? That kiss was unacceptable, he’s married, that kiss was – Eddie’s anger subsided as his mind drifted off to the kiss. It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. ‘No, no, no,’ Eddie thought, ‘stop it, you are straight, you are _normal_. Stop thinking about the, thing that happened, just stop it.’ He started hyperventilating, pulling out his inhaler to calm himself down, but before he could even take a breath there was a knock at the door.

“Open up, Eds. I want to apologize. I was wrong.”

Eddie hesitated, feeling like he couldn’t bare for Richie to see him right now, but he opened the door anyway.

Richie walked in calmly and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry, for everything. I shouldn’t have kissed you and I shouldn’t have tried to tell you how you felt about it. You gave me a gift today.”

“Richie, you bared your soul to me and I yelled at you, I should be the one apologizing.”

“No, I’m serious, I feel so good right now. Saying it out loud, telling someone, it means everything. I can’t lie to myself about this anymore. It’s out there. I feel this immense … relief. It’s like I’ve had this knot of pain and stress in my chest my whole life and I just felt that all melt away. So, thank you. Thanks for pushing me to do this and thanks for listening. I hope we can still be friends, I swear I won’t make things awkward or anything – “

Eddie collapsed to his knees in front of Richie, dropping his arms and head in Richie’s lap, and sobbing. He kept repeating, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Eds, what’s the matter? I said I’m fine! I’m better than fine! No need for the waterworks,” Richie stroked Eddie’s hair and back gently, feeling completely confused and unsure of what to do.

“Richie, I,” Eddie sputtered out between teary breaths, “I have that knot too. I’m not mad that you kissed me, I wanted you to, but I’m mad that I liked it. I don’t understand what’s happening,” Eddie stood up trying to gather his composure. “I need to tell you something too, but it’s embarrassing.”

“I mean, I just confessed that I’ve had a crush on you since we were children and I’ve never had a healthy adult relationship because of it, so yes, I am familiar with embarrassment. Come on, please, you can tell me anything.”

Eddie paced while he spoke, looking at the floor and avoiding any semblance of eye contact. “Okay so you know my mom was, um, well, my therapist called it ‘Munchausen by proxy’ but basically she was – “

“A batshit crazy fat ogre who treated you like you were made out of glass?”

Eddie sighed, “Sure, fine. Anyway, I don’t think you guys ever quite understood the extent of it. My relationship with my mother was obviously very unhealthy but it was also just, weird. She never like, touched me or anything, but I think she looked at me as like, the man in her life. She was so possessive. She would constantly tell me if I ever had sex with anyone I would get an STD and she’d make me sit and look through books with pictures of herpes, gonorrhea, emaciated men with AIDs covered in lesions – oh, and that’s the worst part, she would constantly talk about how the AIDs epidemic was God’s punishment. As much as she hated the idea of me ever being with a woman she worked twice as hard to make me terrified of being gay. Okay, and,” Eddie groaned, “this next part is pretty fucked up. She used to take baths with me … like until I was 10 and finally insisted she let me shower alone. So then after that she would just make me sit and hang out with her in the bathroom while she took a bath.” Eddie sat down in a chair on the other side of the room and groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you any of this. I haven’t even told my therapist any of this.”

Richie stood up and walked over to Eddie, kneeling down beside his chair. “No, Eddie, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this, please don’t apologize. I feel like I should probably apologize for all those ‘I fucked your mom’ jokes … it seems kind of shitty now.”

“Actually, I always kind of appreciated it. You making fun of her just made her feel less powerful.”

“Oh, well, good then.”

“Anyway, the only reason I told you all this is, what you said about me, marrying my mother, it really got to me – “

“Eds, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean – “

“No, no, you were right. It just made me think about how much she took from me. Richie, I’ve never been able to feel sexual attraction to anyone.”

“You’re a virgin?”

“No, I’ve had sex with Myra … twice. Both times I got really drunk and had to take a Viagra. Richie, I’ve never even masturbated.”

“Eds, it’s okay if you don’t want to have sex, some people are like that.”

“No, I want it, I just can’t,” Eddie began crying. “Every time I think about anyone in a sexual way I just see these images of disease, or worse, I see my mom’s naked body. It’s so fucked up. She’s been dead for years but I still can’t move past her abuse. I don’t know if I married Myra because Pennywise’s curse made us forget so much or if I just wanted to punish myself because I feel so … broken. But, when we kissed, I didn’t think about any of the horrible stuff, it felt safe and nice … for a moment at least. I just, I just wanted you to know that’s why I freaked out.”

“Oh,” Richie felt relieved to hear Eddie liked the kiss, but totally unsure how to proceed given the new information. “Eds, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. If you want me to leave it alone, I will, but if you want me to help, I’ll do anything I can, anything you want.”

“I don’t know what to do. Richie, I think I’m in love with you too. I think it’s always been there. I don’t know why the fuck you love me though, I’m completely insane, totally fucked.”

“Oh, because I’m so well adjusted and normal?” Richie put an arm around Eddie after seeing him smile. “Besides, it makes things interesting. Non-crazy people are just boring.”

“You can’t be that crazy, look at you, you’re famous!”

“Wow, you don’t know anything about comedians do you? Most of the famous ones are the most depressed, fucked up, hopeless people in the world.”

“You’re not hopeless, you’re wonderful.”

“Ugh, stop being so cute, I can’t handle it,” Richie said, playfully shoving Eddie.

Eddie laughed a little, but then got a serious look on his face and said, “So what do we do now?”

“Well,” Richie said slowly, “you said it felt ‘safe and nice’ kissing me, right?” Eddie nodded. Richie shrugged, “Should we try again?”

“What does that mean for us? Are you like, my boyfriend? God, I don’t know if I can do this. The idea of being gay, it just makes me feel terrified. You know the kind of time we grew up in. I know things are different now of days, but I still don’t know if I can do it.”

“I know what you mean. And things really aren’t that different. Did you read about that Adrian Mellon guy?”

“Yeah, that was horrible. Wasn’t that why Mike called us back?”

“I think so. I saw him, you know.”

“Who?”

“Adrian Mellon. When Pennywise attacked me in the park, I saw him. I mean, I guess it wasn’t really him, and he looked, like, really dead, but I guess that was Pennywise’s plan. He taunted me saying he knew my ‘dirty little secret.’”

Eddie sighed and laughed a little, “God, I’m so worried about living in the world as a gay man, I almost forgot we’re about to die in a sewer.”

“That’s true! Well, I think that’s even more reason to consummate this thing right now!” Richie jumped up putting on a British accent, “Pip, pip, we must seize the day! No more moping, young Eddie Spaghetti, you have but one chance to bang a freshly out of the closet Richie Tozier! This trashmouth isn’t JUST for talking, you know.” Richie winked and reached out a hand.

Eddie smiled, “This already feels like a huge mistake, but fuck it.” Eddie took Richie’s hand and stood up. He moved closer to Richie, looking up into his eyes.

Richie gently rested his hand against Eddie’s cheek, “No, fuck me.”

Eddie laughed but then looked stern, “Seriously though, I told you, I might need to take things slow.”

“Just trying to lighten the mood, my dear. We’ll go at whatever pace you like. Just as long as it’s not backwards. It took me 27 years to get here, I’d really like to keep you.”

Eddie felt terrified, but his heart leapt at Richie’s sweet words. He rested his head against Richie’s chest and wrapped both his arms around Richie’s back. Richie held him tightly and rested his head on Eddie’s. After a few moments of holding each other, Eddie suggested, “Maybe we can just lie down in the bed for a little bit.” Richie raised his eyebrows suggestively, to which Eddie just rolled his eyes and led Richie toward the bed. The two men laid down over the covers. Eddie snuggled into the nook between Richie’s arm and chest while Richie laid on his back looking up at the ceiling. Richie nuzzled his head into Eddie’s hair and took in a deep breath. Eddie looked at him incredulously, “Did you just … sniff me?”

“Wow you make it sound so wrong. No, I mean, yes, but I don’t know, I just like the way you smell.” Eddie pulled himself up and buried his face in Richie’s wild mess of hair and breathed deeply. “Geez, Eds, you’re such a hypocrite.”

“Well you made it sound nice,” Eddie said, coming face to face with Richie, staring into his eyes.

After a few moments, Richie broke the silence, “So you’ve really never even masturbated?” Eddie nodded. “I would die! How is that even possible?”

“Surprising as it may seem, being haunted by uncontrollable images of diseased genitalia and my mom’s breasts is a pretty effective boner killer.”

“Hey, hey, that’s my wife you’re talking about! Only I get to call her a boner killer!”

Eddie laughed and playfully pushed Richie’s face into the pillow. Both men started laughing and play fighting with each other. Richie eventually ended up on top of Eddie, their faces achingly close to one another. Richie started to lean in but stopped himself, wanting to respect Eddie’s boundaries, but Eddie went in for the kiss anyway. Eddie felt like the wind had been knocked out of him, but somehow not in a bad way. He could feel his blood running hot through his veins as his heart pounded out of his chest. Richie’s lips were so soft but his face was rough from a 5 o’clock shadow. Eddie loved the feeling of Richie’s bristly hairs rubbing against him as their lips intertwined. Richie’s tongue tenderly made its way into Eddie’s mouth, which Eddie happily welcomed with his own. Eddie felt himself sink deeply into the kiss. His brain shut off, electricity shot through his body, his hands moved with a mind of their own, trying to memorize the feel of Richie’s form.

Richie felt this odd sense of calm. His heart was beating wildly and his hands were still shaking wildly, but this kiss felt so right. Everything felt like perfection. Richie felt the memories of small town bigots and the fears of celebrity gossip just melt away into the ether. He kissed his sweet Eds with the passion he’d stored up for 27 years. All these years Richie had been a prisoner in his own mind. He achieved some success, but none of it meant anything to him. This moment, right now, making out with his true love in a hotel room, this was everything. He’d trade it all for 5 more minutes of this.

Eddie’s hands, fully in control at this point, began removing Richie’s jacket, which he helped along flinging onto the floor. Those damn hands continued, pulling Richie’s shirt up to which Richie stopped kissing for a moment and asked, “Are you sure?” Eddie answered by pulling Richie’s shirt off entirely and throwing it on the floor. Richie raised his eyebrows in surprise and his eyes widened as Eddie’s hands moved along his chest, running through his chest hair, down his belly, back up, over his shoulders, down his arms. Eddie’s soft touch felt incredible. Richie felt nervous at Eddie’s sudden confidence. All of this happened so fast. How did this go from the worst day of his life to the best in a matter of a few hours? Before Richie could overthink it Eddie pulled him back down into a long kiss, thrusting his tongue into Richie’s mouth. Richie’s eyes rolled back. He was enjoying himself before, but still in the back of his mind worried about Eddie’s issues, but now that Eddie seemed okay, Richie fully allowed himself to melt into the moment. His body surged with tingles. His breath quickened as he felt himself become completely aroused.

Eddie felt amazing. He’d never made out with someone before like this. He tried, but every time it was ruined by his haunting memories. However, with Richie he had so many pleasant memories. Instead of the usual trauma, Eddie’s mind wandered to the parts of his childhood he liked: that cute boy with the glasses that took up 90% of his face. Eddie couldn’t believe they were here together now, like this. Something in him always felt the connection, but he just refused to allow himself to entertain the idea. Being here now, Eddie felt powerful. He didn’t have anymore secrets. Richie knew everything and still wanted him. Eddie pushed Richie over onto his back. Richie looked surprised and nervous. Eddie liked feeling in control. He brushed Richie’s tangled hair out of his face and leaned down and started kissing his neck. Richie moaned softly and squirmed a little as Eddie’s lips and tongue moved up to Richie’s earlobe, sucking it gently. Eddie’s kiss moved back down Richie’s neck tonging it tenderly before finishing it off with a sensual bite. Eddie could feel Richie’s excitement beneath him. As incredible as this was though, Eddie still couldn’t get an erection. Richie seemed to notice Eddie’s momentary distress. “What’s the matter, baby?” he asked putting his hand on Eddie’s cheek.

Eddie smiled, “Even with all the nicknames you had for me, I never thought that would be one of them. I like it.”

Richie smiled and pulled Eddie into his arms, “Good, I want you to like it. I imagine I’ll have lots of pet names for you if we’re really doing this.” Eddie nodded but he still looked upset. “You can talk to me,” Richie reassured him. “I love what we’re doing but I don’t want to continue if something is bothering you.”

“It’s just – what we talked about before.” Eddie grabbed Richie’s hand and placed it on Eddie’s crotch.

“Woah there, careful, I’m a freshly minted gay and I already feel like I’m about to explode, you need to give me some warning.”

Eddie smiled but continued, “I can’t get hard. This feels amazing and I’m actually able to kiss you without having a panic attack but I still can’t, can’t – take it all the way.”

Richie stroked Eddie’s hair, “That’s okay. We said we were going to take things slow. Hell, even if we could never, you know, do that, I’d be happy. I just want to be with you.”

“Really? You really still want me even though I’m broken?”

“You’re not broken! You’re perfect.”

“Perfect? I’ve got a traumatized penis and a boring job, what could you possibly see in me?”

“Geez, Eds, if I had known your self-esteem was so low I wouldn’t tease you so much!”

“No, I always liked it when you teased me. I felt like you wouldn’t do it if you thought I couldn’t handle it, so when you teased me it made me feel, strong.”

“Good, and you’re right, I wouldn’t have ever said anything to you if I thought it would really hurt you; but then, where is all this coming from? Why are you being so hard on yourself?”

“I don’t know. I just can’t believe this is happening.”

“I can’t either. Hey, you’re not going to suddenly turn into Pennywise or something right?”

“Great, now I’m afraid you’re Pennywise and none of this is real.”

“I was joking! Look, I’m sure Pennywise is a great kisser and all, but you can’t just fake 27-years-of-repressed-sexuality-suddenly-being-validated kind of kissing. Trust me, all of this is real. And look, you’ll get there when you get there. Your mom was a piece of shit. I fucking hate her for making you feel broken, but I know you’re not broken. You’ve always been strong, and brave, and cute, cute, cute!” Richie started pinching Eddie’s cheeks.

“Stop it! I take it all back, I hate you,” Eddie said laughing.

“Look, we have the rest of our lives, there’s no rush.”

“Well, the rest of our lives might be a few hours, so I kind of feel like there is a rush.”

“Even if we died tonight, would you really feel incomplete just because we didn’t fuck? Is that all I am to you? A piece of meat?”

“No, I just thought if I could – if we could, you know, that it would mean she didn’t have control over me anymore. It would mean I was actually free. If we died tonight, I would die happy knowing you loved me. I’m really glad you told me.”

Richie felt weak looking into those brown puppy dog eyes. “Well if you really think it would help, I have some ideas.”


	4. Dirty Little Secret

“Oh?”

Richie stood up and finished undressing himself. Eddie suddenly felt very shy. Richie waved his hands up and down, “This is me, all of me.” He gave a quick spin allowing Eddie to see every part of him. “Now you.”

“I can’t – “

“Eds, you were just on top of me, running the show, biting my neck, making me lose my mind. This is easy, you can do this. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but, I think it will help.”

Eddie timidly obliged first sitting up and pulling his shirt off, then slowly unbuttoning and pulling off his pants. He sat on the bed for a moment afraid to stand up, but when he felt Richie’s hand brush softly against the small of his back, he didn’t feel afraid anymore. Richie whistled as Eddie stood up. Eddie rolled his eyes but smiled and did the same little spin Richie did before quickly diving back into the bed. Eddie covered his face with his hands, “I can’t believe we’re lying here naked in bed together.”

“It’s nice though, right?” Eddie nodded and Richie leaned in to kiss him. Their bare bodies brushed against one another. Eddie got goosebumps as Richie ran his hand up Eddie’s thigh. Richie’s hands became more adventurous this time around as they kissed. Now Richie was the confident one, but Eddie felt himself really enjoying the lack of control. He closed his eyes and let the heat and tingles wash over him as Richie groped his body. Their tongues danced together in sloppy, desperate kisses. Suddenly, Richie’s hand made its way to Eddie’s penis. Richie started gently massaging Eddie’s balls, tugging ever so slightly. Then his hand moved up and started pulling softly at Eddie’s flaccid member. Richie moved his lips to Eddie’s neck, copying Eddie’s moves. Licking, sucking, and kissing gently before finishing it off with a sensual bite, all the while tugging gently down below. Eddie’s senses became completely overwhelmed. He moaned loudly, which probably would have embarrassed him a little if he wasn’t completely intoxicated by Richie’s touch. Richie became emboldened hearing sounds of pleasure coming from Eddie. He continued kissing, licking, and sucking down Eddie’s chest and down to his thighs, all the while still working his hands on Eddie; and it was working. Eddie didn’t even realize but his penis had begun to get hard. Richie decided to help it along and moved his mouth to Eddie’s crotch. His tongue ran over Eddie’s balls before he took them into his mouth one at a time, sucking gently. Eddie moaned loudly again. Richie ran his tongue from the base of Eddie’s cock up to the tip, circling it with his tongue before fully enveloping Eddie in his mouth. Eddie was moaning constantly now, his body squirming and twitching as Richie moved up and down. Richie gagged slightly as he took Eddie in, slamming his now fully hard cock into the back of his throat, but he kept going with the same fervor. Eddie’s moans were like a crowd of people cheering him on. Richie wanting nothing except to bring immense pleasure to this gorgeous man in front of him. Richie couldn’t believe how good it felt pleasuring Eddie. Richie had been with women, usually while drunk and depressed, trying to believe the lies he told himself; but he’d never felt this kind of intimacy and pleasure. As Richie felt Eddie nearing climax he decided to try something a groupie he’d let blow him did to him once and inserted a finger into Eddie’s backside, slowly but going deep enough to gently touch his prostate.

“Oh my god, oh my god, Richie, I’m coming, holy shit, Richie,” Eddie screamed, convulsing under Richie. Richie felt Eddie’s pulsating penis release, and happily swallowed, noting how incredibly good Eddie tasted. Eddie’s whole body was shaking and convulsing. Richie scooped him up into his arms, pulling him in tightly and stroking his hair and back. Eddie just had consensual, non-medicated sex for the first time in his life. He couldn’t breathe but he didn’t want his inhaler. Now he lay tightly wrapped against the sweaty body of the man who just gave him pleasure he didn’t think possible. It was heaven. Both of their hearts were pounding, but Eddie’s head was pressed right up against Richie’s chest so he took comfort hearing his lover’s heartbeat.

“Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about whether or not to tell the others … I’m sure they heard you,” Richie teased, smirking.

Eddie blushed, “Why? Were you planning on keeping me your ‘dirty little secret,’ Tozier?”

“Ouch, too soon, Kaspbrack! No, of course I don’t want to keep you a secret; then I wouldn’t be able to kiss you whenever I wanted,” Richie pulled Eddie up into a passionate yet brief kiss. He stopped and asked, “Oh wait, is that weird? Should I like, brush my teeth first or something.” Richie was worried about Eddie’s neurotic, germophobic tendancies.

Eddie looked confused for a moment before realizing what Richie was referencing. It didn’t feel right to make him get up and wash his mouth out just so they could kiss. Plus, Eddie actually found the fact that it felt a little dirty to be incredibly arousing. He pulled Richie into a deep tongue kiss as his response.


	5. Friends

After getting dressed, Richie and Eddie headed downstairs, holding hands. They found Ben and Bev at the bar and to their surprise, she was nursing a wound on Ben’s face. “Where the hell where you guys? You didn’t hear us screaming?” Bev asked incredulously.

“No, what the fuck happened to him?” Richie asked.

“Bowers. Came out of nowhere and stabbed him in the face with a knife.”

“Yeah but I got that fucker back,” Ben said, his voice somewhat muffled with gauze.

“Guys, I’m so sorry we didn’t help. We were, um … talking,” Eddie said unconvincingly.

Bev’s eyes immediately fell on Richie and Eddie’s grasped hands and gave them a look to imply they needed to explain further. Richie took in a deep breath and blurted, “Ben, Bev, I’m gay.”

Ben and Bev looked surprised and Eddie followed up with, “and I’m, um, his boyfriend.”

“You know, part of me wants to be surprised, but this actually makes a lot of sense,” Bev said.

Richie and Eddie started to protest (“What’s that supposed to mean?”) before Ben ended it with, “That’s really great, you guys. Congratulations.” Eddie smiled. It felt nice to be validated by their friends. Eddie wasn’t comfortable identifying as gay yet but he could handle identifying as Richie Tozier’s boyfriend.

However there wasn’t time for celebration. Ben and Bev explained that they needed to leave as soon as possible to meet up with the others. Bill was deadest on heading down alone and they couldn’t let him do that. They needed to get to the library to pick up Mike and then go meet up with Bill. They arrived just in time for Bev to rescue Mike by laying a hatchet into Bowers’ stupid mullet.

“Holy shit Bev, you just killed someone,” Eddie exclaimed.

“He was going to kill Mike!” Bev protested

“I know, I just, wow, are you okay?”

“No I’m not fucking okay, I just killed someone!” Ben went over to comfort Bev while Richie and Eddie helped Mike up. There really wasn’t any time for comfort though; they needed to get to the Neibolt House to stop Bill from getting himself killed.

Eddie and Richie drove over alone. “So, when I move in, I’ll need space for a – “

“Move in? Geez, Kaspbrack, if I’d known you were going to be this clingy I wouldn’t have confessed my undying childhood love for you.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “I’m getting divorced for you, asshole, I need a place to live. Besides, you’re loaded, right?”

Richie shook his head smugly, “I do okay. My place isn’t that big though; LA’s expensive and until now I lived alone.”

Eddie smiled, “Until now?”

“Of course you’re moving in with me! I wouldn’t have it any other way!” Richie leaned over from the passenger’s seat and started kissing Eddie’s neck.

“Okay, okay, very nice, but please stop,” Eddie said nervously. “I’m sorry but distracted driving is a leading cause of preventable death and that,” Eddie made a hand gesture between his neck and Richie, “is extremely distracting. Incredible, wonderful, and life-affirming, but like, really distracting.”

Richie smiled. Damn he was cute.

After defeating Pennywise, the remaining Losers silently made their way to the quarry they’d frequented as kids. Somehow they all just knew that was where they needed to go. They walked up to the cliff’s edge, ready to jump in and let the water from their childhood wash away all the pain from the previous night. The exhilaration from the jump and the sting of the cool water shook most of the Losers out of their stupor. They were splashing, joking, and reminiscing about the one they lost in the Neibolt house, until they noticed one of the group sitting on a rock weeping. Everyone immediately sprung to action wrapping Bev in a group hug. Richie and Eddie’s eyes locked, both thinking how lucky they were not to have lost the other and feeling a little guilty at their happiness as they comforted Bev over the loss of Ben.

After the quarry, they all made their way back to the inn. Richie quickly finished packing and went to Eddie’s room to watch him scurry around gathering the absurd amount of stuff he brought for the short time they were there. He was smiling, feeling totally unable to believe that he was lucky enough to receive the love of this beautiful, neurotic, adorable man. Eddie passed a little too close and Richie hooked a finger in his belt loop, pulling him in for a kiss. Eddie smiled but said, “You have to let me go or I’ll never finish packing and we’ll be stuck in this hellhole forever.”

“I don’t mind, as long as we’re together.”

“Aww, very sweet, but I mind. Now let go,” Eddie said trying to wrestle himself out of Richie’s grip.

“No,” Richie protested, “let’s just leave! I’ll buy you new stuff.”

“I’m almost done.”

“Fine,” Richie sighed indignantly.

The Losers all said their goodbyes, promising to keep in touch since it seemed like they wouldn’t forget this time, and went their separate ways. Eddie followed Richie to the airport, feeling so nervous he could barely stand it. He was with Richie Tozier. He was going to be leaving Myra. He was moving to a new city and living with his boyfriend. His boyfriend! Eddie Kaspbrack was going to be living as an openly gay man, something he’d fought the idea of his whole life. He dug into his toiletry bag, pulling out pill bottle after pill bottle until he found his Xanax and quickly popped one into his mouth, swallowing it dry. Panic attacks were a fairly regular occurrence for Eddie, but at least with this one he also felt extremely happy and excited.


	6. Space

On the flight to LA, they caught up on the last 27 years. Despite living such different lives, they had so much in common. They both loved true crime, devouring as many books, tv shows, and podcasts as they could in their free time. Amazingly, they had actually both already bought passes to the inaugural true crime convention CrimeCon 2017. They both loved music and had really similar tastes. Over the long flight they each pulled up their playlists, introducing each other to songs or bands they didn’t know about. They both loved running. “Oh, that is something you’re going to love about LA, there are so many gorgeous places to go for a run or hike.”

“That sounds amazing. Honestly, I’ll just be happy to have a partner. I’m usually just out by myself. Myra couldn’t, well, didn’t want to, you know, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, I don’t really have any friends. I don’t think I made any friends really after you guys.”

“I know what you mean, I don’t really have any friends either.”

“What? That’s ridiculous, you’re famous.”

“So? I mean, I know a lot of people, sure, and a lot of people know me, but that doesn’t mean any of them are my friends. I think my best friend is my assistant and he works for me.”

“Well, I guess we don’t have to worry about being lonely anymore,” Eddie said, resting his head on Richie’s shoulder.

Home was a gorgeous open floorplan highrise apartment with a view of the Hollywood Hills. Eddie looked around, “Wow your place is so … sparse.”

“Yeah, I don’t spend a ton of time here, I’m always on the road. Or, at least I was the last few years, I was thinking about taking a break so we can spend some time together.”

“Cool, yeah, I um was thinking of taking some time off as well. I have a ton of vacation days saved up anyway.”

“Wait, didn’t you quit?”

“Why would I?”

“I mean, you just moved 3,000 miles away from your job?”

“Wow, you really do completely tune out when I talk about my work don’t you?”

Richie made a pouty face, “Baby, it’s so boring.”

Eddie’s hand went up, as he yelled at Richie, “It’s really not, you know. I actually happen to find it really interesting and it’s really important and – “

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’ll listen.”

Eddie calmed down, “I mostly work remotely. I travel a lot for work, but when I’m not travelling, I work from home. Actually, the corporate office is here in LA so I’m closer to work now than I was in New York, but I only ever really came out here a few times a year for quarterly meetings and stuff like that.”

Richie had sat down on the couch and was pretending to be asleep.

“Are you kidding me?” Eddie screamed.

Richie opened his eyes and put his hands up, “Yes! Yes, I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist. I was listening though, I swear!”

Eddie rolled his eyes and plopped down next to Richie, instinctively curling up in the nook of his arm. “So it sounds like we have some time to get used to all this.”

“Yeah, and, please don’t take this the wrong way but, I’m kinda freaking out. I mean, not about you, but just – I’ve never lived with anybody before. I mean, I had a roommate in college but that wasn’t even for a whole year before I dropped out, cashed in my scholarships, and came out to LA.”

Eddie sat up, “I know what you mean, I’ve been popping Xanax like candy and I still feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. This is … a lot. I didn’t even remember you a few days ago, and now we’re living together? Also, I can’t stop thinking about what we did in the hotel room.”

Richie perked up, rubbing his hand down Eddie’s thigh, “Yeah, me either. It was amazing.”

“No, I mean – well, yes it was amazing – but I didn’t mean,” Eddie sighed, “remember what I told you before that happened?”

“You mean about your, um, sexual issues?”

“Yeah, that.” Eddie was uncomfortable and trying not to make eye contact. “I wish I could say that you fixed me, but,” Eddie trailed off trying to think of the right words.

“Baby, I didn’t expect you to be ‘fixed’ … my mouth is amazing, but it’s not making miracles happen. Besides, you’re not broken. I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do. I have zero expectations. You’re here, that makes me happy.”

“Thanks, Rich, that’s really sweet and I appreciate it, but I’m not even really talking about what we’ll do in the future. I’ve been freaking out about what already happened. It was incredible, don’t get me wrong, but I just keep feeling dirty. There’s this voice in my head telling me I’m going to get sick, that I’m already sick. I know it’s crazy, I know it’s not true, but that doesn’t make it stop. Every time you touch me, part of me feels so happy, but another part of me just feels my mother telling me I’m going to get AIDS as punishment for this. I’m just – I just needed you to know.”

Richie nodded. “Thank you for telling me. What can I do?”

Eddie shrugged, “I have no idea. It helps just being able to talk about it. I wish I could feel as confident as you do about being gay, but honestly, I spent so many years hating myself for it and denying it and internalizing all the bigoted bullshit I was raised with, it’s just, all that doesn’t go away overnight, no matter how much I love you.”

“Umm, I don’t know if this helps or makes it worse, but I don’t feel confident at all.”

“You don’t?”

“No, of course not. I’m terrified. What happens when this gets out? This could kill my career. Most of my set is about my ‘girlfriend’. Most of my fans are drunken frat boys. It’s not like I’m some super progressive comedian with a vast, diverse audience. God, I’m not even really a comedian, I don’t write my own material. I’m Richie ‘Trashmouth’ Tozier. I can do funny voices, a few decent impressions, and I’ve got enough confidence to get up and deliver the jokes written for me by some guys who are actually funny but can’t hack the getting on stage part. I’m not even _that famous_. The Netflix special was huge, definitely the biggest thing I’ve ever done, and yeah my last tour sold out in nearly every city, but it’s standup, I could be forgotten tomorrow. Fuck, other comedians don’t even like me because they know I have a ghostwriter.” Richie sighed. “I’m sorry if this is just making you feel worse. I didn’t want to burden you with any of this.”

“No, I’m really glad you told me. I thought you were fine with everything. I didn’t want to be the crazy mess you have to clean up after.”

“Well, I’d happily take that job, but alas, I guess we’ll have to take care of each other.”

Eddie let out a frustrated groan, “This is depressing. I don’t want to be depressed right now, I just moved in with my boyfriend! Let’s do something fun and put off dealing with this shit a little longer.”

“Ah, the emotionally repressed, closeted 40-year-old manchild in me really likes the way you think, Eds.”

“But fuck (Richie snickered and quietly repeated “butt fuck”), I guess we can’t really go anywhere, you probably have paparazzi and shit to deal with, what if somebody saw us?”

“I think we can figure something out. I could get us a private room for dinner and then we could go to a concert. That would give us a big crowd to get lost in. Besides, I’m not like, Beyonce famous. Yeah, they might be interested if they saw us making out or something but if you can keep your hands off me for a few hours I think we’ll be fine.”

Eddie rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, “I don’t know Tozier, do you really think I’m strong enough to resist your animal magnetism all night?”

Richie raised his eyebrows a few times, “Well, if you really can’t resist me I wouldn’t say no to a handy under the table.”

“God, Richie don’t be gross,” Eddie said shoving Richie. “Alright, I need to take a shower before we go.”

“We just showered this morning before we left Derry.”

“Yeah, and then we took a six hour plane ride. I feel disgusting. Besides, do you have any idea how dirty planes are? The air is recycled. You’re breathing in everyone else’s germs and skin flakes and – oh god,” Eddie gagged.

“Okay, fair point … you want some company?”

“Aww, that’s sweet, but, no. I take my showers pretty seriously and I don’t need you in there messing up my system.”

“Fine, fine, grab your shit I’ll show you to our bedroom.” _Our bedroom._ As soon as the words left Richie’s lips, his heart jumped into his throat. He had never shared a bedroom with anyone before and yet he was so quickly and easily ready to share his entire life with Eddie. Richie grabbed a few of Eddie’s bags while he followed behind, lugging the rest. Richie’s bedroom was very similar to the rest of the apartment. Very modern, lots of gray and stainless steel. The dresser, end tables, and bed frame were this gorgeous dark stained acacia wood. Richie grabbed a remote on his end table and pressed a few buttons. The dark room flooded with light as what looked like solid wall was revealed to be a shade as it opened up revealing massive windows looking out on the Hollywood Hills. Richie hit another button and the wall above his dresser opened revealing a 65” screen television.

“Holy shit,” Eddie muttered.

“Isn’t it cool?” Richie exclaimed excitedly.

Eddie melted a little at how adorable Richie was, so desperate for approval. “Yeah it’s so cool.”

Richie then showed Eddie the master bathroom. There was a huge walk in closet with barely anything in it. “So, yeah, like you pointed out earlier, I don’t really have a lot of stuff so you’ll have as much space as you need. Most of those drawers are empty too,” he said, gesturing to the dresser in the bedroom. Eddie’s arms wrapped around Richie like a vice grip as he pulled him into a hug. “Wow, okay, okay.”

“Sorry, I’m just, so excited to have some space! I feel like I was always fighting with Myra for an inch of space in my own home. This place is amazing.”

“Wait until you see the shower.” Richie led Eddie over to the massive stand-up shower. He opened the glass doors revealing that there were multiple shower heads, at various angles, huge shelves built into the dark marble, and a waterproof television and radio built right into the wall. “And if you ever want a bath, there’s that,” Richie said, gesturing to the massive Jacuzzi bath tub. “I’ve never used it before, but I feel like it could be fun now that I have someone to share it with.”

Eddie blushed, “That could definitely be fun. But Richie, holy shit, this shower is incredible. This whole place is incredible. I love you.”

“Eds, I’m glad you’re so easy to please. I love you too.” Richie left Eddie to his fun.


	7. Chapter 7

About an hour later, Eddie emerged from the steam filled bathroom. He took the longest shower of his life, shaved, set up his pill cabinet, and tried on five different outfits before finally deciding on something that said “LA.” Richie was asleep in bed with the tv still on. Eddie leapt on top of him, startling Richie awake. “What the – Eds, you tryin’ to give me a heart attack?”

“You looked so cute, it made me feel playful.”

Richie’s expression looked like a cat about to pounce on its prey as he flipped Eddie over so now he was on top. Richie leaned in for a kiss which quickly turned into a fiery make-out session. Eddie loved feeling Richie’s weight on top of him. He wrapped his arms and legs around Richie as they kissed, running his hands up and down Richie’s long back. Richie raised his body up a little, worried he’d be too heavy if he put his full weight on Eddie, but every time, Eddie would pull him back in, pushing Richie tightly into his body. Soon enough, Eddie could feel Richie’s hard penis grinding into him through their jeans. “Oh, sorry about that,” Richie said, trying to position himself so his boner wouldn’t be rubbing up against Eddie anymore.

“No,” Eddie protested, using his legs to pull Richie’s crotch back into him. “I like it.” Richie blushed. Eddie felt empowered. Eddie started grinding his hips up into Richie’s crotch. Richie instinctively moved in sync, grinding back into Eddie, their bodies simulating the act that Eddie could barely think about let alone do. However, this felt like a loophole. Eddie felt himself becoming aroused by Richie’s lips, their desperate pulsating hips, and the sweet flustered shyness Richie’s face displayed. Eddie opened his eyes while they kissed, and soon after Richie’s eyes opened too, almost as if he felt Eddie’s eyes on him. They stared deeply into each other’s eyes as their tongues danced and their loins rubbed against each other. Soon enough, Richie recognized an expression on Eddie’s face; the same one he had seen at the hotel. Eddie pulled away from the kiss, moaning and panting as he face contorted in ecstacy. Richie sat up and reached into his own pants to help himself finish along with his boyfriend. He maintained eye contact as he worked his cock. Eddie reached out and grabbed Richie’s hand and watched him in quiet amazement. He hadn’t seen Richie come before. It was incredibly sexy watching him, but it was more than that. This moment felt so intensely intimate. Eddie had never felt this kind of closeness and vulnerability before – except maybe back at the hotel in Derry – but this felt even better. Watching his partner in pleasure, knowing that he was some part of that pleasure, getting the chance to bear witness to something Richie had only ever done alone – the experience was intoxicating. Richie’s face twisted into an expression Eddie had never seen on anyone, as he sighed, and laid down next to Eddie.

“Well, that was, unexpected,” Richie panted.

“Shut up, Trashmouth.”

“What?”

“You’re ruining this beautiful silence,” Eddie said, turning and laying his hand on Richie’s cheek.

Richie nodded, suddenly understanding that this had been their first time coming together. Richie felt so exposed and vulnerable. Everything in his being wanted to make a joke or do a voice; anything to rescue him from this terrifying feeling of emotional vulnerability, but he resisted, assuring himself it was safe to be vulnerable with Eds. He leaned forward and kissed Eddie gently on the forehead and pulled him into his chest. Eddie relaxed his body into Richie’s, feeling comforted and safe in his arms. They cuddled like that for a time, Eddie listening to Richie’s heartbeat, Richie listening to Eddie breathe. Eventually though, as the gorgeous pinks of the Pacific sunset melted into darkness, Richie decided it was time to break the silence. “I guess we’ll need to change again … I mean, unless you think it’s hot to go out with our pants full of – “

Eddie put his hand over Richie’s mouth. “Beep beep. Yeah, let’s go change.”

The evening was incredible. Richie took Eddie to a ridiculously expensive restaurant to impress him. Eddie kept excitedly pointing out celebrities. “Babe, I know, it’s LA, everyone’s famous. You must see a lot of celebrities in New York?”

“Nah, not really. I don’t go anywhere. Work then home. Maybe if I went out to swanky places like this.”

“Swanky? God, you’re such a fucking nerd, I love you.”

“Fuck you, bro.”

“Okay, gladly.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Damn it, I should have seen that coming.”

“Yes, you definitely should see me – “

“Beep beep, don’t finish that fucking sentence.” The hostess guided them back to a private room where they could relax and enjoy themselves without worrying about Richie being outed. Richie ordered a bottle of champagne and some appetizers. Eddie was impressed. He’d always really enjoyed the way Richie took care of him and loved seeing him take a little control. They ordered their entrees when the drinks came.

“To us,” Richie said holding up his glass. “Eddie, my love, I’m so glad you’re here with me.”

Eddie was surprised at how cheesy and sentimental Richie could be as he clinked his glass against Richie’s. The champagne was amazing. The food was incredible. Everything about the evening was perfect. Eddie almost had a panic attack as he glanced over at the bill, but Richie was entirely nonplussed. “I guess that Netflix special was good to you?”

“I told you I do alright. I mean, I don’t have Beyonce money or anything but – “

“Okay what is it with you and Beyonce, is it like, your dream to one day be Beyonce?”

“You caught me, yes, this is the whole reason I got into comedy. Now I just have to work on having the voice of an angel and the body of a goddess.” Both of them laughed. “So, what, I’m not allowed to like Beyonce? I mean, I know we like a lot of the same pretentious indie bands, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like mainstream stuff.”

“No, I love Bey! I was just teasing you.”

Richie squinted at him, “Bey?”

“Isn’t that what the kids call her?”

“God you’re old.”

“We’re the same age!”

“Yeah but I have a youthful energy. Your boring job must have sucked all of the coolness out of you.”

“Fuck you, Tozier.”

“Okay, I mean, this is a private room. Hopefully, the waiter doesn’t come back in though, unless you don’t mind if he watches … I don’t really – “

“God damn it.”

The concert was incredible. Richie took Eddie to a smaller venue, one he used to perform stand-up at a few years ago. There was an indie band playing that Richie had heard of but hadn’t seen and Eddie knew nothing about. It was small but crowded and very dark. Richie and Eddie were able to discreetly hold hands in the crowd and as the night went on and they got a little more confident they even danced a little. Eddie closed his eyes as he swayed with Richie, imagining they were at prom together. Yeah it was silly, but Eddie didn’t care. He wasted so many years being miserable. Now at 40 he was finally with the love of his life and even though he couldn’t go back, he could fantasize about experiencing all those milestones with Richie instead. _Why did they hate us so much?_ Eddie thought to himself. _Why did I let all those assholes make me believe this could be wrong? How can love ever be wrong?_

After the show they took an Uber home and plopped into bed, both sloppy drunk and exhausted.


	8. Chapter 8

Eddie woke up the next day in pitch darkness, startled, until he turned on the bedside lamp and saw Richie and remembered where he was. Richie stirred. “Hey baby,” he said sleepily. Baby. Richie had called him that a few times now, and every time it made Eddie’s heart do a backflip. Richie had concocted many nicknames for him over the years, but this was the first one Eddie didn’t have a single problem with. Eddie leaned in and started kissing Richie. Richie pulled away, “Woah, Eds, don’t you want me to brush my teeth first? I figured you of all people would be freaked out by morning breath.” Eddie said nothing and went right back in, plunging his tongue into Richie’s mouth. Richie shrugged and went along. Eddie climbed on top of Richie, straddling him and pinning Richie’s arms down by the wrist. Richie looked surprised but intrigued by Eddie’s dominance. Richie was already chubby due to his ‘morning wood’ so he quickly became rock hard beneath Eddie. Eddie felt it and stopped kissing Richie. With a determined look on his face, Eddie pulled the blanket off Richie and moved down, stopping when his face was in line with Richie’s crotch. “Whatcha doin’?” Richie asked coyly. Eddie took in a deep breath like he was trying to psych himself up for something. He pulled Richie’s penis out of his pajama bottoms. Richie blushed a deep red which gave Eddie a slight confidence boost, but he was still hesitating to do what he wanted to do. He inched his face closer to Richie’s hard penis. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth but stopped before making contact. His breathing was quick and his heart was pounding. Before Eddie knew it, Richie was pulling his pants up and rubbing Richie’s back repeating, “It’s okay, it’s okay, breathe, Eds, breathe.” Eddie was having a panic attack. Richie immediately recognized the signs from when they were kids. “What do you need, do you have an inhaler? Can I get you some pills? Water?” Richie was franticly trying to take care of Eddie.

Eddie nodded, “No, no I’m okay, I think I just got, a little, overwhelmed.” Eddie’s heaved the words out between panicked breaths. “I can, do it, let, me try, again.” Eddie started leaning down and reaching for Richie’s pajamas.

Richie stopped him, “No way, you’re still out of breath and your heart is still racing, I can feel it. Besides, I told you already, you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to do anything. I have zero expectations. You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

“I want to do it, Richie, just let me do it.”

“Why? Why are you trying to do this when you’re clearly not ready? I love you. I want our sex to be something loving and special. I don’t want to watch you have a panic attack because you’re forcing yourself to blow me.”

Eddie sighed, “I’m just, so tired of her having control.” Eddie’s breathing was steadying and his heart rate was going down. “I feel so happy with you, I just want to be able to be with you.”

“You are with me.”

“You know what I mean. I want to be with you in every way.”

“And you will be, when you’re ready. I didn’t expect this to be easy. You have a lot of really fucked up trauma because of that bitch. Just because we’re in love doesn’t mean that all goes away.”

“I want to be with you now. Why don’t you just fuck me? Maybe that will be easier.”

“Yeah, I can go down on you again like at the hotel.”

“No, I want you to come too, I want you to, you know, fuck me.”

Richie shook his head in disbelief, “You mean anal?” Eddie nodded. “In what sense of the word is that ‘easier’?”

“You know, ‘cause I can just close my eyes and you can just do it and once you’re in I won’t be able to back out and it’ll be like ripping off a band-aid.”

“Oh that sounds real fucking romantic,” Richie scoffed, “Eddie what the fuck? You want me to rape you so you can get over your trauma? That doesn’t make any fucking sense!”

“It’s not rape, I’m telling you to do it.”

“Okay, well sorry if I don’t want to have ‘consensual’ sex with someone who is miserable and terrified and only doing it because they’re hoping I can fuck away their childhood trauma. Gee, what the fuck made me think that sounded like rape?”

Eddie let out a frustrated groan, “You’re making it sound worse than it is.”

“No, Eds, it’s pretty fucking bad. Besides, I’ve only even had anal sex like once, and it was with a woman, and we didn’t even finish because she said it hurt too much. It’s not ‘easy’, it takes like, preparation and stuff. Also, I’ve been reading up on this stuff and a lot of gay guys don’t even have anal sex.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and even the people who do, a lot of them don’t do it all the time. I mean, I’m interested, I’m not saying I don’t want to, but I came out like 2 days ago, I don’t know if I’m ready to just jump in the deep end.”

“So what else do they do?”

“Well, I mean, I’m not an expert, I read a lot of this on Wikipedia, but you know, oral’s one thing. Also, what we did yesterday, I think that’s called ‘frotting’ but you know we could do that with us both being naked instead of with clothes on. Also, there’s mutual masturbation. We could both masturbate while like kissing and touching each other and stuff or we could masturbate each other.”

Eddie looked deflated. “What am I doing? You’re right, I’m trying to rush everything, and I’ve never even done that.”

“You’ve really _never_ masturbated, like, not even when you were younger?”

“No, my mom told me my dick would fall off.” Richie laughed. “Shut the fuck up!” Eddie squealed.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, this is serious, I didn’t mean to laugh,” Richie said apologetically.

“No, it’s fine, I know it’s ridiculous. I mean, I even figured out how ridiculous it was when I got a little older but she just made up other lies. Also, every time I even _think_ about something sexual I just see all those horrible medical textbook pictures in my head. Or I see my mom’s naked body in the shower. Or I just seize up because I start thinking about all the diseases I’ll be punished with if I have sex. I’m just so sick of it Richie. I’m so tired of her being in my head.”

“I know, baby,” Richie said gently, softly petting Eddie’s back. “I want to help, but, I think you need to talk to someone professional about this. You really never told any of this to your therapist?”

Eddie gave Richie a look, “I was married to Myra, I didn’t really consider not having sex a problem.”

Richie snickered, “Do you think they could do sessions with you over Skype or something? I mean, I’m sure you could find someone else here but I know how hard it can be to find a good therapist.”

“Yeah, maybe. I’ll shoot her an email. In the meantime, what if you helped me?”

“Helped you with what?”

“You know, like, teach me how to do that.”

“Oh, yeah, sure, if you feel comfortable.”

“I think I do. You’re right, I was pushing myself too hard, but maybe if I learn how to masturbate, you know, I could practice on my own and work on feeling comfortable with … other things.”

“That sounds healthy, but you have to promise me that if you start to feel anxious or weird at all, we’ll stop.” Eddie nodded. “Okay so why don’t we,” Richie paused thinking, “how about you move over here to the end of the bed, and I’ll kind of slide behind you.” Eddie was sitting at the edge of the bed, his legs dangling down, toes touching the ground. His back was pressed into Richie’s chest and Richie’s legs were on either side of his, but Richie’s feet easily sat squarely on the ground. “Okay, so first, obviously, you need to be hard.” Richie started seductively kissing Eddie’s neck, tonguing up to his earlobe, which he then sucked on and bit a little. Chills radiated down Eddie’s spine and all throughout his body. As Richie continued, Eddie couldn’t help the soft moans that escaped his lips. Richie’s hands moved all over Eddie’s body at first, but as Richie could tell his touch was beginning to have the intended effect he refocused his efforts to Eddie’s crotch. Richie moved his own hands over it at first, but then remembered he was here to teach, and guided Eddie’s hand to his own groin. Eddie’s penis was beginning to stiffen slightly. Richie moved Eddie’s hand over his penis, having him gently touch and grip it over his pajama bottoms. Once Eddie was fully erect, Richie whispered in his ear, “Pull it out.” Eddie obeyed, pulling down his pajama bottoms slightly and revealing his penis. “Okay, you just want to grip it like this,” Richie guided Eddie’s hand to his penis. “Put your thumb here, and you want the pressure to be about like this,” Richie closed his hand around Eddie’s and started moving it up and down, applying pressure. “At least, that’s about the pressure I like, but you might be different. So then you just kind of keep moving it like this.” Richie guided Eddie’s hand for a bit, helping him learn the motion, and maintain the right pressure without gripping too hard. After Richie felt like Eddie had the hang of it, he let go. Eddie let out a little whimper, but Richie reassured him, “You’ve got this, keep going. I’m still here,” and went back to kissing Eddie’s neck, sucking his earlobe, and running his hands all over Eddie’s chest under his shirt. Eddie moaned gratefully and continued the stroking motion Richie taught him. Richie had realized in the hotel room in Derry that seeing Eddie experience pleasure was the most delightfully erotic thing he had ever witnessed in his life and he felt that same thing again, helping Eddie pleasure himself. Richie couldn’t help becoming aroused. Eddie felt Richie’s hard penis pushing into his back. This proved to be the thing that would send Eddie over the edge as he released with a blissful moan, his come leaking out over his hand. Richie climbed back into bed, pulling Eddie down beside him. Eddie lay on his back, while Richie lay next him on his side, gently stroking Eddie’s hair and watching him with a fascinated expression.

“What?”

“Nothing, just, that was really incredible.”

Eddie smiled, “Yeah it really was. Thank you, Richie.”

“I enjoyed it. I think seeing you happy is my favorite thing in the world.” Richie smiled and kissed Eddie’s forehead. “Stay here, I’m going to make us breakfast.”

Eddie sat up in shock as Richie ran out of the room, “You cook?”

A short while later, Richie returned with two mugs of coffee in one hand and two plates in the other. Eddie was starving and could not wait to see what Richie had made. “That was fast,” he marveled, until he looked at the plates and realized that Richie had returned with Toaster Strudels. “Oh.”

“What? It’s kind of like cooking.” Eddie shook his head no. “Well I’d like to see you do any better.”

“You’re on. I’ll make you the best breakfast you’ve ever eaten tomorrow,” Eddie said, taking a bite of his strudel. Damn, it was pretty good. He hadn’t had one of these since he was a kid. Eddie sighed, “Ugh, but I guess that means I have to go shopping since you probably don’t have anything … but I don’t want to leave this bed.”

“Eds, what do you take me for, some kind of common peasant? First of all, we’re in LA, so you can have literally anything delivered. Secondly, I have an assistant,” Richie said handing Eddie his phone. “Type out anything you want and he’ll have it here in an hour.” Eddie’s face lit up with glee. He had actually forgot quite a few of his vitamins and supplements so in addition to the breakfast items, Eddie typed out a pharmacy’s worth of medication. After he finished, he handed the phone back to Richie. “And, send,” Richie said, sending the text message along to his assistant, who replied with three dots and a question mark, confused as to why Richie suddenly wanted food and pills he had never asked for once in the years she’d worked for Richie. Richie typed a reply, “I have a houseguest who will be making me breakfast tomorrow. Just get the stuff here when you can.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Okay Rich, what the hell is going on, who is this ‘houseguest’? Are you dating someone?” Richie’s assistant yelled from the living room, letting herself in.

“Fuck,” Richie said. He and Eddie were curled up in bed marathoning Snapped. He hadn’t thought about the fact that she has a key and usually lets herself in. Richie jumped up and scrambled to throw his pajama pants back on and find his shirt. He rushed out to the living room still putting his shirt back on. “Hey Amanda, thanks for getting everything here so quick. I was kind of hoping you would knock.”

“And miss getting to meet your girlfriend? Fat chance, Tozier. You have been chronically single since I first met you, I have to meet this lovely lady who’s cooking you breakfast and making you take vitamins.”

“Wow, a _lot_ of assumptions going on here. It’s just a friend, I just have a friend staying with me.”

“Fuck you, don’t lie to me. Where is she?”

“Okay, seriously, this is getting less cute by the second,” Richie said, trying to grab the grocery bags from her.

“I’m not trying to be cute. I thought you might be a serial killer or something. You hire me, barely have me do anything except run errands for you once in a blue moon. Your place looks like something out of Patrick Bateman’s wet dream. You’re obsessed with all that true crime shit. Then out of the blue, you ask me to bring you all these groceries because someone’s cooking for you? How can you deprive me of ogling your domestic bliss?”

Before Richie could answer, Eddie emerged from the bedroom. Richie sighed, “Amanda, this is Eddie.”

Amanda turned bright red, “Oh I’m so sorry. Damn, it really was just a friend? Hi, I’m Amanda.”

Eddie reached out and shook her hand. “Eddie. Richie, can I talk to you for a sec?” Eddie pulled Richie back into the bedroom and asked in a low tone, “Are you going to tell her?”

“No, she just barges in here, which, I’m really sorry about that by the way, and acts like she knows my whole life?”

“Well how well do you know this girl? I mean, earlier you said she was your best friend.”

“By default, because I was all alone until you came and rescued me,” Richie joked, making a little pouty face. “No, I mean, we’re a little close. She’s almost like an annoying little sister to me. She’s the only one that’s really been taking care of me these past few years.”

“I think you should tell her.”

“No way. Why would I do that?”

“I think it will feel good to tell someone. I felt good when we told the other Losers. This will be the first person from your real life to find out. I mean, it’s going to be out there eventually unless you plan to keep me locked away in here forever. Maybe it would be good to start small, see how it feels.”

Richie rolled his eyes, knowing Eddie was right. “I don’t know how I feel about constantly having someone around to talk sense into me when I’m being stubborn.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Eddie said, leading him back out to Amanda.

“Okay, okay, as much as it pains me to give your ego any kind of encouragement, my Eddie has convinced me to come clean. You were right, Amanda.”

She stared at him for a moment in stunned silence piecing everything together before finally exclaiming, “Richie, are you serious?” Richie nodded, grabbing Eddie’s hand, and Amanda let out a deafening squeal and rushed to hug both of them. “Richie, I had no idea!”

“Um, to be honest, I didn’t either. I mean, I guess deep down I knew but I didn’t admit it to myself until I went back to Derry.”

“Oh, my, god, are you saying you’ve loved him since childhood?” Richie nodded and Amanda squealed again.

“Okay, you have to stop doing that. Fuck, this is exactly why I have no interest in women.”

“Aww baby, does that mean I’m never allowed to - ,” Eddie said, before letting out a glass shattering squeal of his own. Amanda and Eddie laughed together.

“Oh Richie, I like him, he knows how to push your buttons.”

“Okay, well if you’ll both excuse me I’m just going to go kill myself.”

“No, no, come on Richie,” Amanda said grabbing his arm and pulling him back. “We’ll stop, we’ll stop, I’m sorry. I’m just, really excited, and really happy for you. Did you tell Greg yet?”

“No, not yet.”

“Aww, so I’m the first person you told? That’s so cute!”

“Who’s Greg?” Eddie asked.

“My manager,” Richie responded. “I don’t think he’s going to be happy about it.”

“Of course he’ll be happy!” Amanda said, slapping Richie’s arm. “He cares about your happiness.”

“No, he cares about me booking work and not making a fool of myself in the media. He doesn’t give a shit if I’m happy.”

Amanda turned to Eddie, “That’s not true, Richie’s being dramatic. Greg’s a really sweet guy. Actually, you know what’s kind of funny? You look a little like him. Wow, a lot actually, you guys are like the exact same height, same hair color, same – “

Richie started putting his hand in her face and yelling, “Bah bap bap bap bah, okay, that’s enough of that.”

“Richie, was Greg your surrogate Eddie? Omg that’s so cute.”

“Amanda, thank you for bringing the food,” Richie said putting both hands on her shoulders and guiding her toward the front door, “but we have some stuff to get back to and I need you to leave immediately.”

“It was nice meeting you,” Eddie said from the kitchen with a huge smirk on his face.

“You too,” Amanda said as Richie closed and locked the door behind her.

“So, do I have to worry about you and this Greg guy?” Eddie asked in a teasing tone.

Richie rolled his eyes and started putting the food away. “He doesn’t look that much like you. I mean, he doesn’t look anything like you, you’re just like, the same height, just, can we drop it?”

Eddie obliged even though it was adorable seeing Richie this flustered. “Okay, so we’ve got breakfast covered, but now I’m realizing we probably should have had her bring something for me to cook for dinner tonight. I don’t think that Pop Tart is going to hold me over much longer.”

“Toaster Strudel, Eds, very different. Also, not to worry,” Richie said pulling his phone out and hoisting it into the air, “we’ve got Postmates, Uber Eats, Door Dash! I haven’t cooked in years but delivery apps have managed to keep me alive this long at least. Now, the real question is, what would you like to eat, Eddie my sweet?”

“Hmm,” Eddie grabbed the phone and started scrolling through various apps until he picked a place and started the order. After a while he handed the phone back to Richie.

“Geez, Eds you order enough food?”

“It’s a tapas place, I figured get a bunch of stuff and share. It sounded fun.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” They spent the rest of the evening enjoying their meal and marathon. Richie made Eddie laugh perfectly impersonating the, “And then she Snapped” line from the show. They fell asleep with the tv still on, cuddled up to each other in the most awkward position, but it was comfortable enough for them.

When Richie woke up the next morning, Eddie was already in the kitchen cooking. Richie rubbed his eyes and stumbled out, taking a seat at the bar. “Wow babe, that smells fucking good.”

“Thanks, but it’s not much of a competition if all I have to do is beat a Pop Tart.”

“Toaster Strudel!”

“Right, right, Toaster Strudel, fine. Here, try this,” Eddie said, handing Richie a cup of coffee.

Richie took a sip and his eyes went wide, “Holy fuck, Eds that is the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had in my life. What did you do?”

“You have this amazing pour over carafe and pot,” Eddie said, gesturing to the items on Richie’s counter, “and you’ve seriously never used them?”

Richie shook his head, “Nah, most of the stuff in my kitchen is just gifts or stuff I bought to feel like a grown up. I don’t think I’ve ever used anything in here except like, the can opener and the toaster. Oh, and the microwave, of course.”

“Of course,” Eddie said sarcastically. “Well, you did a great job, I’m officially obsessed with your kitchen and since you’ve been neglecting it, I guess I’ll have to make up for lost time!”

“Yaaaaay,” Richie exclaimed clapping. “Homecooked meals and all I have to do is sit here and look pretty?”

“Well sure, it’s the least I can do to thank you for letting me stay at your place.”

Richie's smile immediately fell, “_My place_. What’s that supposed to mean?”

“No, Richie, I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“Eds, look, I’m sorry to get defensive, but I’m all in here. I mean, I am _all in_. I need this to be our place. I thought it was.”

“Of course, it Richie, I’m all in too, it’s just, I’m having a hard time seeing it that way. Don’t get me wrong I know it is but it just doesn’t feel like it yet.”

“Eddie, I will do anything to make this feel like home for you. Do you want to move? Should we get a place together?”

“Richie, calm down and no, I love this apartment, don’t you dare bring up moving again.”

“I’m sorry, I just, I’m so afraid of being this vulnerable. I’ve never done anything like this before. I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’m so scared you’re going to get sick of me and leave – “

Eddie ran over to embrace Richie, “No, sweetie, no, please calm down, I’m not going anywhere.”

“But you could, you’re right, this is my place, you’re not on the lease. You could just leave in the middle of the night and go back to your wife.”

“Oh, speaking of that – “

“Eddie, what the fuck, not funny!”

“I didn’t mean – fuck, Richie, I didn’t mean it like that. You reminded me that I wanted to tell you I talked to my lawyer this morning. Myra came in to read the paperwork. She’s still going to have her lawyer look it over, but he said she seemed like she was ready to sign.”

Richie nodded. “That’s great,” he mumbled half-heartedly, still looking freaked.

“Richie, I think that’s when this really is going to feel like home to me, when my divorce is finalized. Just knowing I still might have to deal with her, knowing that old life is still back there haunting me … I think it’s just making me feel stuck. It’s going to feel so good knowing that I’m really free.”

Richie looked relieved, “Yeah, you’re right, I didn’t think about it like that. It must be so hard for you.”

“Nah,” Eddie scoffed. “I’m so excited about the divorce. I’m just nervous she’s going to try to go for alimony. Richie, I can’t have her in my life anymore. I don’t want anything to do with my old life. I just want a fresh start with you.”

“Yeah, I totally get what you mean,” Richie said. “That’s what I want to, a fresh start and a new life.”

“Yes, and I love our place, I love cooking for you in our kitchen, I love sleeping in our bed.”

Richie smiled, “Pooping in our toilet?”

Eddie rolled his eyes, “Sure.” Eddie finished up breakfast and they ate together at the bar.

“Mmmmm, oh my god, Eds this is so good, yum! Eddie Spaghetti, who knew you were a master chef? Fuck is this why Myra was so fat? Am I going to get fat?”

“Okay, can we not fat shame my soon-to-be ex-wife, please?”

“I’m sorry, you’re right, that’s not fair. Plus, I guess it doesn’t matter since we know you like ‘em hefty!” Eddie’s eyes shot daggers at Richie and he apologized again.


End file.
